Comic Book Convention - Complete Script Sept 1, 2011 11:29:08 GMT -8
Post by Evan on Sept 1, 2011 11:29:08 GMT -8
PDF of complete script at the end of this post
I also cut-and-pasted it here, for guests.
Comic Book Convention
Comic Book Convention
INT. STUDIO APARTMENT - DAY
Cue background music, an 8-bit cover of "Putting It Together" by Stephen Sondheim:
Arial close up of a twin bed neatly made with a blue comforter and rainbow-colored pillows. An open suitcase is tossed onto the bed from off-screen. Two large hands, clad in yellow rubber gloves, toss a pile of books into the suitcase. The top book is "Hyper-Advanced Computer Programming." The hands disappear, then reappear with three My Little Pony unicorn dolls, they are placed neatly next to the book. The hands place three large pairs of folded tighty-whities into the suitcase. The hands disappear off-camera for a moment, before returning with a Superman, a Batman, and a Wolverine full-body costume. Neatly folding each one, the hands place them into the suitcase.
Cut to a close-up of an oven door. The yellow-gloved hands open the oven door. Using a potholder they pull out a tray of Rice Krispies Treats. The hands place the tray onto the top of the stove. They disappear off-camera for a moment before returning with a can of white frosting and a dish of rainbow sprinkles. The hands ice the rice krispies, then pour all of the rainbow sprinkles on the treats. A jump-cut montage shows the hand slicing the krispy treats into squares. The hands spread plastic wrap over the top of the treat tray.
Cut back to the suitcase. The yellow-gloved hands place the pan of treats neatly in the suitcase. The hands stretch a big roll of plastic wrap across the entire open suitcase.
Cut to an iron safe. A yellow-gloved hand turns the dial, then opens the safe. Inside is a book-shaped stainless steel box. The hands remove the box and place it on top of the safe. Opening the box, a big white cloud of cold gas puffs out. The hands grab a metal tong from inside the safe. Reaching the tongs into the box, the hands grab a hard-plastic-coated comic book. The title says "Chroma Man" and features a muscular man in blue-and-green-and-red colored tights, fighting ninjas.
Cut to the suitcase. Achingly slowly, the hands place the comic book on top of the sheet of plastic wrap. The hands spread a layer of plastic wrap on top of the comic book. Shutting the suitcase, the hands begin to zip it closed. The plastic wrap makes things difficult, as the hands have to run the zipper through the protruding plastic. After yanking the zipper forcefully a dozen times or so, the suitcase is only half closed. The hands disappear, then reappear with some safety pins. The hands pin the rest of the suitcase closed.
Medium shot of Humphrey "Hump" Yertle. He is 25, pudgy, but good looking in a messy sort of way. He is dressed like Cyclops from the X-Men. The small studio apartment's floor is crowded with computer parts and its walls covered with comic book hero posters. Brushing back a clump of curly blonde hair, Hump stands next to the bed looking in the mirror. He puts his yellow-gloved hands on his hips and puffs out his chest. Sighing in a satisfied way, he picks up the suitcase and a nearby laptop bag. Taking a deep breath and smiling, Hump heads out the front door of his small studio apartment. The door shuts, it immediately reopens. Hump comes back in, tosses his bags on the floor, and begins pulling off his yellow exterior briefs.
Cut to the arial shot of the bed. Onto the bed flies Humphrey's goggles, tights, and gloves.
Cut to a doorway nearby the bed. Inside the doorway, a bathroom can be seen. Humphrey stands there, taking a leak. He lets out an exaggerated sigh.
Fade out audio and video.
EXT. APARTMENT COMPLEX – SAME TIME
The apartment complex is on the corner of a lazy country intersection. Nearby, two municipal workers are eating lunch while draining a nearby septic tank. They stop what they're doing and stare as Hump heads to his car. It's a 1999 VW station wagon, with rainbow-colored hubcaps and a large pink ponytail sticking from the back windshield. Hump begins loading his luggage into the back, when he spots the staring workers. Hump's eyes fall on the septic line.
Whoa! You've got only six clamps on your O-Valve!
A long beat passes. The workers stare in disbelief.
What the hell are you wearing?
Hump roots through his car. He emerges with two black clamps.
Here, I've got two extra clamps. Better use 'em or
you'll get poop flying all over. You don't want it in
your sandwich, do ya?
You sure know howta root in crap, huh?
Clipping the clamps on the sewage line ring, Hump admires his work proudly..
Yeah, take your poop sandwich and get lost.
Hump smiles broadly, happy to have provided assistance. He enters his car and pulls away. As he drives past the workers, he gives them a big smile and a wave.
Cue background music, an 8-bit cover of "Party in the U.S.A." by Miley Cyrus:
Have a magical day!
Hump drives off, a construction worker hits his car with a thrown sandwich. The music gets louder.
Hump's ponywagon drives on a two-lane road, enormous cornfields line the sides and stretch into the horizon. A wooden windmill turns lazily next to a silo and a farmhouse.
Humps pony wagon hops on the freeway and pics up speed. It passes a tractor and a truck carrying a load of chickens.
Hump exits the freeway, passing a large billboard. The billboard features a husband, wife, son, and daughter at the dinner table, all of them dressed as superman. Below this beams the slogan "Keep Iowa's Family Values Super: McElroy for Senate."
Hump pulls into the parking lot of an office complex. He exits the car and strolls into a doorway bearing the sign "Jackson & Sons Media Distribution".
Fade out music.
INT. JACKSON & SONS MEDIA DISTRIBUTION – TECH ROOM
A dingy, windowless room filled with servers and two computers. Hump enters, and jumps into his cushy chair, causing it to roll him up to a computer keyboard. He beams happily as his hands click away at the keyboard.
I'm going to ask a question, and if you get
it wrong, I'll kick everyone in the teeth until
their heads fly off.
Hump looks up, eagerly. James "James" Buchanan enters, he is holding a large posterboard colored completely blue.
What color is this?
James holds up the blue posterboard. Hump stares at it with mocking intensity.
I'm gonna say blue, James.
James throws his arms in the air.
What was the... wrong answer?
New client says the color of Batman's costume
in panel 18 looks too gunmetal. TOO GUNMETAL?
James sticks the posterboard an inch in front of Hump's nose.
Do you see any flecks of grey?
Could you hold it closer, please?
James shakes the posterboard angrily.
Flecks of grey! Flecks of grey!
I don't know what a flecks is.
James jumps up and down, impatiently.
Grey! Grey! Grey! Grey! DO... YOU...
Hump looks at James, annerved. A beat passes, James looks at Hump expectantly. Hump shrugs
James flings the posterboard in the air.
Yes! No! No grey!
Not even like, one flecks?
None. So how am I supposed to make it less
gunmetal when there's no grey? Idiots!
I still don't understand where the gun comes in.
Dave Chutnam walks in, looking pompous in his brown tweed suit with elbow patches. He stops when he sees Hump's costume.
It's casual Friday. I've saved my points.
Casual doesn't mean dress like a five year old.
I know you computer guys have this stereotype
of being completely backwards nerds, but next time
think harder about wearing your big boy pants.
Hump slouches, embarrassed.
Oh, yeah, while were on the subject of dress code,
Dave, try to wear clothes that don't make you
look like a pompous jackwad.
Dave stares at James, Hump tries to hide a smile.
I mean... It's just that you look like you're wearing
a used cloth diaper.
Do I yet again need to remind you that I
have lunch with your supervisor?
And does my supervisor ever say, "Hey,
Dave, welcome to lunch. Why are
you wearing a big brown paper napkin?"
Dave storms out. Hump laughs.
JAMES (calling after Dave)
Don't go too fast, Dave, those pants could catch
your crotch on fire.
James glares at Hump.
Seriously, you're dressed like an idiot, I tell you
This is my favorite costume.
Love it. How many times ya been
mistook for a teenager with Downs
Syndrome, so far? I mean, like, just
in the past hour.
It's for the convention.
You mean the convention we aren't going to
until after work? Or is there another convention on
the drive from here to San Francisco? Adult
We don't have to leave after work. We could
Don't be ridiculous! We can't do that!
Sure. I'm pretty good here, and you never do
any work on Fridays.
James pounds his fists on Hump's desk. Hump continues to smile calmly.
No! That'll screw everything up.
How will that screw everything up?
I already made the plan. You can't just go
changing things at the last minute, it... it
won't fit into the plan!
Wait... is "the plan" code for getting with
Ryan? Cuz she's hot.
Nooooo! I- I don't even know if Ryan's coming!
You don't get it, I can't just change things!
Just stop being... You're so.... Ugh!
A beat passes. James is red-faced and flustered.
So we leave at 5?
She doesn't get done until 6.
Hump laughs, then turns to his computer. He picks up a nearby donut which looks old and hard, and takes a bite. Placing the donut down, the camera zooms in on the donut. The donut is missing the top left quarter. A jump cut montage of sections of the donut disappearing in one-tweflths , in the same way that a clock ticks to 5. Pan up to Hump, he closes his eyes and pops the rest of the donut in his mouth. He opens his eyes. James is leaning on Hump's computer, his face 2 inches away. Hump moves back, startled. James laughs and leans on a suitcase.
So, I guess you're ready?
Ready? Is anyone truly ready for that
which we are about to experience? We're going
to the event of our lifetime, in one of the most
exciting cities on earth. There will be noise,
construction, homeless people. We may even see
Well I don't know about all that. Did you say
we'll see a gang?
What? Gays! I said gay. You know, the guys
you keep getting mistook for every time
you drive that pony car? Riding in which,
by the way, is going to be the only bad part
of this trip. The only humiliating, unbelievably
horribly bad part of this whole trip.
Besides, they don't even have gangs in San
Francisco, I'm pretty sure.
A beat passes.
So... what you're saying is you aren't ready?
Of course I'm ready! You're forgetting I spent
a summer painting slum housing with my youth
group, so I know how to survive the urban street life, okay? Worry
about yourself, it doesn't even look like you can
fit a wallet in your leotard, there.
James snaps Hump's briefs as they walk out of the office and through the building hallway.
Hey, where did Superman carry his wallet?
I don't think he carried a wallet. That way, if
he died, there would be no way to I.D. him
as Clark Kent.
Hump and James exit the building into the parking lot. James loads his suitcase into the back of Hump's pony car.
The whole point of his secret identity was to
protect himself. I don't think he'd care about it
if he was dead. I guess he just leaves it in the phone
booth when he changes clothes.
But then someone would just steal his wallet.
Do people really do that? I'd think they would just
return the wallet to its rightful owner.
James and Hump enter the car. The audio continues as the car drives out of the parking lot.
This is Metropolis, it's full of thieves. Like,
Okay, so he doesn't leave it in the phone booth.
Right, so Clark Kent probably doesn't
carry a wallet.
That sounds impossibly sucky.
Maybe he uses his superpowers to get
what he wants. Like if he needs money for
the subway, he just robs a bank.
He's not going to rob a bank. He's
Cue music Betty Davis, "They Say I'm Different:"
INT. Comic Book Store – Same Time
The small store is crowded with gamers, most of whom are seated around a group of card tables. Players at the table intensely concentrate on games which involve moving a superhero action figure on a grid. Most watchers are crowded around one table, where two gamers are having a fierce match.
Don't do that. I will kill you.
Close up of one of the competitors, RYAN ANDERSON. Thin and tight, Ryan's baggy clothes and hair tucked into a baseball cap do a poor job of hiding her overwhelmingly sultry good looks. She glances at the gameboard, then at her competitor. Her competitor is a nerdy teenage boy with glasses, his hand shakily rests on a piece.
Well, I mean, I could kill you, if this was
really a war. Just don't move that guy there,
The nerdy guy looks around, nervously, but never looks at Ryan. Quickly, he moves the gamepiece.
See, now, you shouldn't have done that. Cuz
I just move this red guy over here. What are you
going to do?
The nerdy guy puts his hand on a blue action figure.
Oh, that guy? You want to move that guy?
That guy's going to squirm away from your moist
grasp and defect to my team.
The nerdy guy quickly moves a black action figure.
Oh, that looks fine. <in a low voice> Dum, de dum, dum, I'm
Mr. Nerdy Guy's black piece. I sure am glad
I moved over here where its safe.
A beat passes. Ryan picks up a grey action figure and slams it into the black figure.
But then my guy says, "it's not safe, IT'S FREAKING
And your guy's like, "please Mr. Grey tights, kill me
quickly." But Mr. Grey tight's needs a power fix. So
he bends your guy over and teaches him a lesson.
Ryan repeatedly smashes her action figures crotch into the black figure's rear end.
Take that! Take That! Take that! And your guy's
like, "Mr. nerd-faced glasses guy, why didn't you
Fade music. Ryan smashes the grey action figure so hard, that the black action figure's leg flies off.
Oh, damn! Your dude's leg got raped off.
A beat passes. Ryan offers her opponent a form.
Anyway, sign the matchslip.
Ryan's opponent sulks off. She crumples the form and tosses it at him. An enormous Incredible Hulk gloved fist smashes all of the tiny pieces on her gameboard. She looks up, it's James.
And then the Incredible Hulk comes and fists
all of your guys to death!
Looks like they felt the icy hand of doom all
the way up to their colons.
And that is why super size is obviously the best
Ryan shoots a stare at James' crotch.
Oh, yeah? You know a lot about being
super sized, do ya, huh?
James face turns red, he looks at the ground.
Well, I, um... uh... Where's Lex?
How in Captain America's blue ass should
I know? Let's get on the road, already!
Hump glances at James.
You didn't tell her?
Tell me what?
I didn't think she'd come if I told her.
Didn't think I'd come where? Does this have
something to do with the fact that
Hump is wearing full-body Underoos?
Cyclops is the friendliest superhero.
I guess we gotta tell her sometime.
I swear to Stan Lee if one of you doesn't tell me
what's going on I'm going to put you both in
James and Hump exchange glances. James sighs.
Lex is coming to San Francisco with us.
Oh, no, that's cool.
Yeah, yeah. Now, when I lose control and smash
his face into your rainbow-striped glove compartment,
it won't seem premeditated.
It's my pony wagon feedbag.
Come on, let's just go.
James and Hump walk out of the store, Ryan trudges slowly after them.
RYAN (calling ahead)
I'll do it, too. Say it was some sort of PTSD
flashback. They'll let me go, I served our
country. I'm a freaking hero.
Ryan walks back to her gameboard, where another game is examining her pieces. She rips the pieces out of his hands.
Those are mine, ya hear? Freaking hero.
Ext. Farmhouse – Evening
The sun is setting on the McDonald farm. The cornfields sway lazily in the evening breeze. On a wide farmhouse porch, LEX MCDONALD sits, smoking a corncob pipe. He's 28, tall, and barefoot, uncropped hair hanging from his head in loose curls. The porch door swings open, CARRIE MCDONALD lugs two hard suitcases down the porch stairs. Her crows-footed eyes study Lex.
Need some sunblock.
Mom, I don't need any sunblock.
You goin' to San Frisco, you gonna need
Mom, I'll be fine!
A beat passes. Carrie continues to stare at Lex.
Sunny in California.
I know, mom!
A beat passes.
San Frisco's in California.
I kno-ooowww, mom!
A beat passes. Carrie nods.
You goin' to San Frisco, you gonna
need some sunblock.
No, mom, I-
Now, boy, I done out-argued ya. You stay
and I'll fetch the bottle.
Lex hangs his head, Carrie opens the screen door and hurries inside. A motor can be heard: it's in the distance but getting louder. Lex looks up, beaming.
Hump's pony wagon screeches up. Hump and James get out and exchange high-fives with Lex, Ryan rolls her eyes at the corny display.
What took you so darn long? Putting on those
stupid tights? I thought was gonna hafta
have my mom call you.
Ryan sticks her head out the car's back window.
Yeah, cuz, uhhhh, that's lost ass-scratching time
he'll never get back!
Lex glances at Ryan, then turns back to James and Hump.
I see you brought the female one.
Dudes, I need to say this in all seriousness. Is
Lex going to be able to survive a real city?
I'll be fine. Remember I've taken 25 years
Are you even 25 years old?
Whoa. And you still live with your parents?
It's not sad. I'm gonna own this ranch one day,
and it's going to be the manliest ranch in
Iowa. We'll kill cows, we'll kill bulls, we'll
kill cows with bulls. Bulls beating other bulls
with chickens. What's manlier, huh?
A beat passes. Carrie bursts out of the house, her hands covered in sunscreen. She rubs the sunscreen all over Lex's skin while he fidgets. Everyone laughs at him.
Here, we are! Oh, hello Lexy's friends.
Y'all gotta come in for meatloaf, I insist.
Thanks, ma'am, but we've got to get on the road .
Oh, I had hoped that Lexy wouldn't go so far.
It's dangerous in San Frisco, ya know.
Mom, we'll be fine.
The sun makes everybody's skin darker out there,
so you can't even tell who the blacks are.
A beat passes. Everyone stares at Lex awkwardly. Carrie loads Lex's suitcases into the ponywagon.
No, honey, that's what they like to be called
Lex gives his mom a small kiss directly on the mouth. Ryan shudders like she's going to barf. Hump, James, and Lex pile into the car and dive down the dusty field road.
What are we supposed to call black people, anyway?
You are so unprepared for the big city.
A beat passes, the car reaches the main road and turns left.
Just stick with me. I spent a year in
downtown Des Moines.
The frame freezes, and transitions into a comic book displaying a map of the U.S. across the fold. A pony wagon icon sits on Iowa, a big star represents San Francisco. The page turns to show the car has moved to Nevada.
Ext. Desert Highway Gas Station – Day
The gas station is a pathetic oasis in the middle of a seemingly endless stretch of desert. Big Korean men in dark suits gas up three dark black Lincoln Towncars next to each other. The sun beats down relentlessly on the gas station blacktop. Hump's pony wagon rolls up to a pump. All four step out and stretch.
LEX (to Ryan)
You should be right at home, here.
What the hell?
It's Nevada. I mean, isn't that like the ideal
lesbian spot? Any one of those suits could be
a lesbian in disguise.
Lex gestures towards the large men in suits.
I don't even know where to begin ripping
you a new asshole.
I do. She's not a lesbian, dude.
Yeah, how 'bout that?
You're telling me that Jo from the Facts of
Life, here, likes...
Lex blushes, Ryan gets in his face. A few customers stare. Hump and James aren't interested and begin rooting through the trunk.
I like PENIS, Lex! Big, erect, glistening
penis! I like penis inside my vagina, except
for occasions when either there is already
a penis in there, or when my vagina is
not sufficiently moist!
Lex coves his ears. He hurries inside the gas station store. Hump pulls out the envelope containing the comic book. Ryan sees this and hurries over.
Is that it?
Ryan reaches out to grab the envelope, James snatches it away.
I've been drawing this for fifteen years, and I
can't even see it?
It has to be perfect. I want the judges to get
that fresh-cracked smell when they open this
comic book. This is our only chance to win
a multiple-issue deal. And besides, your
hands are probably dirty.
James shoots Ryan a smile, she smacks him on the shoulder. He winces. They begin walking to the gas station restroom, a narrow door set in the side of the building. Hump hurries along, carrying the comic book envelope.
Hump, why are you taking it out?
I don't want to. I think it's just fine in my suitcase.
James made me.
I say, there's thieves all over gas stations like
these. Come on, y'all, I can't be the only
one who's hyper-vigilant about watching this.
You're hyper-paranoid. That's your superpower.
What kind of a lame superpower is that?
Worked for Howard Hughes.
They arrive at the restrooms on the side of the building. A large suited man stands outside the men's room door, arms folded across his chest. Ryan ducks into the women's restroom. Hump starts towards the men's room. James grabs Hump's arm.
That guy kinda looks like he wants to kick our
ass if we go in there.
I'm sure everything will be fine. Watch.
Hump casually strolls into the men's room. The suited man pays him no attention. James exhales relief, then walks towards the men's room. The large man grabs James and slams him against the wall.
Can't go in yet. There are only 3 urinals and
the boss is in there.
James catches his breath.
Holy crap, Oddjob. Can't you even count
to three? There's only two guys in there.
Boss don't like it when people stand next to
him while he's peeing.
INT. Gas Station Restroom – Same time
Hump walks in. Three urinals line the wall, the far left one is occupied by KEN, a short 25-year-old Korean man in a suit with impeccably groomed hair. Under his arm is a bunch of envelopes and papers. Hump carefully wedges his comic book envelope between the wall and the urinal. The urinal automatically flushes. Hump jumps back, delighted. He moves forward, then jumps back, it flushes. Hump squeals. Hump jumps forward, then right. The left urinal flushes. Hump jumps left, the middle urinal flushes. Hump claps his hands and laughs. Hump jumps to the right, stumbles, and crashes into Ken. They both go to the dingy tiled floor, papers and envelopes fly all over the restroom.
` Holy crap what is your problem? My dick
is out. It is literally right there.
Gosh, I'm sorry! Let me help.
Hump moves to pick up a few papers. Ken shoves him away.
Get your cosplay jollies somewhere
else, you freak.
Hump backs away. Ken frantically examines the mess.
Freaking, urinated on everything, all sorts of
disease. It's going to take me hours.
Ken pulls out a white handkerchief and picks up an envelope. The envelope looks to have missed getting damaged. Still, Ken meticulously wipes down every spot of the envelope.
I was enchanted by the magical urinals.
Ken pulls out a gun and sticks it in Hump's face.
Get your shit and get out of here.
Hump hastily grabs a large orange envelope from the floor. It is not the orange envelope tucked behind the urinal. Hump exits. Ken sighs angrily, picks up the orange envelope stuffed behind the urinal (the one with the comic book), and begins wiping it down.
EXT. Gas Station – Same Time
Hump exits the restroom. James moves to go inside, but Hump holds him back.
Don't. There's a guy in there who wants
nothing to do with the ways of harmony.
James moves to push by Hump, but Hump's unusually stern face makes James pause.
What the hell am I supposed to do, now?
The women's bathroom opens. Ryan emerges.
Anybody else in there?
Hump gestures towards the women's room, James shakes his head.
No way man. There's probably some sort
They stand there looking at the ground, thinking. Ryan gives them exasperated looks.
You could ask the gas station guy if it's
I don't want to bother him, he's working.
I'll just hold it until the next stop.
James starts walking towards the car. Lex is at the car, eating a giant hamburger with pineapple, chili, corn dogs, lettuce, tomato, and three hamburger patties all tucked between the buns. Lex waves. Hump and Ryan catch up with James.
Uhh, next stop's not until San Francisco, dude.
We've been driving for two straight days!
Yeah, but the judging's tonight.
Ryan and James stop and stare at Hump.
Huh? I thought it was in a few days.
Why? I never said it was in a few days, so
why would you think that?
I don't know... Because we assumed you weren't
so goddamned retarded as to risk the comic book
we've worked our whole lives on on the results of
a two-day nonstop trip in that... that...
It's my pony wagon.
Go to hell!
Give me your keys, give me your damn keys.
Ryan and James begin to search Hump.
Stop it! That tickles!
Ryan punches Hump in the chest, hard.
Does that tickle?
Ryan pulls a rainbow keychain from Hump's pocket. She tosses the keys to James.
James and Ryan sprint to the car, Hump strolls behind.
Okay, guys, but remember the suspension
is a little rough and she needs a few parts,
so go soft on her, okay?
James and Ryan say something to Lex out-of-earshot. Lex gives Hump a really dirty look, and throws the giant hamburger on the ground. Lex, Ryan, and James jump into the car, starting the engine.
James peels out the pony wagon, taking the still-attached gas pump hose with it. He swings past Hump, the back door opens and Ryan pulls hump inside. James screeches out of the gas station onto the main road, narrowly missing getting hit by a speeding semi. The frame freezes and transitions into a comic book representation of the live-action shot. The page turns.
The next page features a comic of the pony wagon underneath the Golden Gate Bridge. It transitions back to live action.
EXT. Golden Gate Park – Day
Traffic and pedestrians congest the slanted streets. The pony wagon pulls up to a stoplight. Hump gets out of the car, hands over his crotch.
I can't hold it anymore!
Bring back water!
Hump sprints out of sight.
Can't believe he didn't leave us a day
before the competition.
Well, we're still 10 hours early. Who wants
to hit the streets of San Francisco?
Seems a bit hilly.
Let's park this thing and get as far away from
it as possible.
Cue song, "Satisfaction" by Devo:
The Pony Wagon drives down a wide one-way street, past Golden Gate Park. Cars are packed on both sides. A space appears in the distance. James steers into it, only to find that two tiny smartcars are parked there.
The Pony wagon drives by the TransAmerica Pyramid, cars are parked everywhere. A car pulls out of a nearby parking space. James steers into it, only to find it has quickly become occupied by 5 sleeping homeless people.
The Pony Wagon drives past Ghiradeli square. James pulls the pony wagon into a spot. Ryan points to a sign which says, "No parking Monday 2 A.M. thru Sunday 10 P.M." James starts to turn the car back into traffic, when the back door opens and Hump jumps in. Lex shouts, startled. Fade music.
People are so nice, here. Some guy showed me
where to pee in some bushes. Bought waters, too.
Hump passes out bottles of water to everyone. They sip thirstily.
Then he offered me oral sex!
Everyone stares at Hump.
I didn't take it, of course. But, man, that's some
hospitality. What'd you guys do?
Tried to find parking. It's packed like a cow's
vagina in labor out here.
Well, I'm sure it'll work out. You just have
to think positively and the universe will
come together with melodious harmony.
Can we leave rainbow hippie here?
There's a spot!
James steers towards the parking space, but then an ambulance zips up, sirens blaring, and takes the spot. Music volume comes back up.
The Pony Wagon drives by the Palace of Fine Arts. There are cars parked on both sides, and the middle of the street. James pulls up behind the last car in the middle of the street: a hearse. Six men carrying a coffin walk up, and stare at the pony wagon impatiently. James drives away.
The pony wagon drives through the Castro. Rainbow flags and men holding hands are everywhere.
Wow, these people really love friendship.
A beat passes. Hump sticks his head out the window and marvels.
I wonder if they dig pony rides.
The pony wagon drives by the Ferry Building. A spot opens up in the distance. James accelerates towards it, but then hundreds of bicyclists pass in front of him. James slams on the breaks. They wait for the bicycles to clear. A long beat passes, the bicycles keep coming.
Honk the horn.
The Pony Wagon drives across the Golden Gate Bridge.
The Pony Wagon pulls into a parking spot in a sweeping vista overlooking San Francisco Bay and the city. They exit the car and begin unloading suitcases. Fade out music.
See? I told you we'd find a place.
We're not technically in San Francisco, anymore.
Shut up and start walking.
Loaded with suitcases, the group treks onto the Golden Gate Bridge
I thought it would be more... gold ya know?
I hear this is the number one spot for suicides
in the whole country.
They probably hit the bottom of the ocean and
find out there's no parking there, either.
A growling sound is heard. Hump grabs his stomach.
Does anyone else feel... weird?
A beat passes, everyone grabs their stomach.
What store did you get those waters
Oh, I didn't get them from a store. The
guy who showed me where to pee
sold 'em to me. He saw my costume
and said "I've got something special
Everyone slowly turns to glare at Hump. A beat passes.
Then he asked if he could stick his
fist in my anus.
A beat passes. Hump shrugs.
I said no. Real nice guy, though.
My stomach feels confused.
This must be Montezuma's revenge.
Mom told me not to drink the water.
We've got to run to a bathroom.
The group starts running along the bridge. Their pace gradually slows until they are walking slowly. Dropping their suitcases, they lay down on the sidewalk.
Cue song, "Party in the U.S.A." by Miley Cyrus slowed down 800%:
Ryan, James, and Hump are all standing at the rail of the bridge, staring at their hands. Lex is curled into a ball on the ground, rocking back and forth. People walk by, nobody looks at them twice.
Hump sits on the walkway, he's got two suitcases in front of him. He plays them like bongo drums. Nearby, James and Ryan slowly touch fingertips, they fall to their knees. Lex is still curled into a ball on the ground. People walk by, nobody looks at them twice.
Ryan sits next to an open suitcase. She rubs an article of clothing against her skin. Releasing the article into the wind makes it blow into the air, off of the bridge. Slowly it descends toward the water, rippling. Ryan laughs. Nearby, James and Hump are sitting, facing completely different directions. They stare wide-eyed at nothing in particular. Lex remains in a tight ball on the ground. People pass by, not caring about the scene.
Ryan, James and Hump run up to the rail and jump. At the last instant before their torsos heave over the side, they grab the rail and pull themselves back down.
Ryan, James, and Hump dance around Lex, who remains on the ground. A scraggly, dirty, bearded man approaches them. He holds up a bottle of vodka, Ryan, James, and Hump cheer.
Hump sits on the ground in the Lotus position, palms extended like Buddha. Ryan, James, and the bearded guy stare into his red reflective visor. Lex is still in the fetal position.
Hump has brought his ponies out. James smells one, an intensely curious look on his face. Ryan lies on the ground stroking a pony's tail. The bearded guy also strokes a pony's tail, Hump strokes the guy's beard.
Hump, Ryan, James, and the bearded guy lie face down on the sidewalk, rolling their heads back and forth.
Ryan, James and Hump run to the railing and jump. At the last instant before their torsos heave over the side, they grab the rail and pull themselves back down. The bearded guy runs to the railing and jumps over it. Shocked, Ryan, James and Hump look over the edge: the bearded guy is caught in a safety net. He waves, Ryan, James and Hump cheer.
Ryan takes a big swig from the vodka bottle. She pours a hearty amount onto her open suitcase. Tossing a match on it makes a huge bonfire. Ryan, James, and Hump dance around the fire. Still, none of the passers-by take any notice, except to step around the revelers.
The suitcase fire is burnt, but smoldering. Hump and James lie down next to Lex. Ryan lies down with her head on James' chest. They all fall asleep.
Fade to black. A long beat passes. Fade out music.
EXT. Golden Gate Bridge - Afternoon
Ryan, Hump, Lex, and James lay on the bridge, sleeping. Lex stirs.
James' eyes open, he scratches his face.
I'll tell you what happened. We just got
our first taste of marijuana, that's what
Hump and Ryan wake. Ryan rubs her temples.
My mom is going to be so mad.
I feel like I need brain reconstruction surgery.
I went to a magical land where everything
sparkled. Then all of the good cheer in
the universe flowed through me.
That was probably when you ran onto the
hot road and took a pee in front of traffic.
Hump looks at the road, it shimmers in the heat. Hump nods, serenely.
Guys... Where's our stuff?
A beat passes while the group looks around. The only remnants of their luggage is the lone charred suitcase.
James feels his pockets.
I don't have my wallet... or my phone.
Everyone checks their pockets.
I don't have my car keys.
Slowly, the group turns to where the pony wagon was parked, at the end of the bridge. It's not there.
So... everything is gone?
I'm sure that's not it. There must be some simple
misunderstanding. Probably, some good Samaritans
took our luggage because we were unable to
look after it.
Ryan smiles at Hump.
Oh, of course. It's all a misunderstanding, huh?
And that's why they took our car, so that...
They probably... uh...
They probably wanted to wash it, huh?
Yeah, that's it.
And of course, all the brushing and grooming that
that jackass of a car requires.
Humps face falls. A beat passes.
They stole our stuff. Why would anyone be so
James grabs Hump and shoves him against the bridge railing.
Cuz they hate us! We're foreigners, here
and they wanted to drug and rob us.
I probably don't have any kidneys, left!
A jogger jogs by. James grabs him.
You did it, huh? Where's my stuff!
Hump and Ryan free the jogger, who runs off.
How are we gonna get home?
James catches his breath.
It's okay, it's gonna be alright. We just... we
just need a plan to get home. Ryan! You've been
dropped off in hostile countries with no supplies.
What did you do?
Ryan stares out at San Francisco.
I would locate an enemy outpost.
An outpost! Great, we'll find an outpost.
Well, how many grenades do we have?
We have zero grenades.
Okay, and we also have no bullets. As well
as no guns to fire the bullets. So we do nothing.
That's your plan?
I never said it was a plan.
You spent like 5 years in Iraq and you
didn't learn how to, like, track a robber or tap
an enemy phone line?
No, I never tapped a phone line... Because
I don't speak Iraqi!
There's no such language as Iraqi.
But didn't you have to like... track WMDs down
in the desert?
Yeah, James, that was my job. Following WMD
footprints in the sand dunes.
So, like, what? You just did push-ups all day?
And chin-ups... and those...
James mimes doing a jump-squat.
There's Kurdish... Arabic, Turkoman, Armenian...
There's one more.
That's all I did! Exercise and then take power
shits or whatever it was that you did, there.
So, you never got lost? The desert is big. What
would you do if you got lost?
Of course, there's English, too. But there's
still another one.
What do you think war is? A bunch of guys
firing muskets on horseback? If I got lost
I would just radio HQ on my sat phone.
A beat passes. Lex snaps his fingers.
Assyrian! That's it!
James and Ryan simultaneously start punching Lex, who falls to the ground.
Guys, guys, c'mon!
Hump spreads his arms out, serenely
We're in a hard place, for sure. But that's
when you need to count on friendship the most.
The universe is filled with caring creatures,
and I'm not going to let one bad apple sour
my crop. Open your hearts. If we draw upon
the good faith of others, I'm sure we'll get the
kindness we need to get back home.
Ryan looks at James, who shrugs. Hump smiles broadly, takes a deep breath, and walks along the bridge towards San Francisco. The others follow.
We just have to trust that the streets are
full of sensitive, caring people who will
see that we are in need and take care of us.
The frame freezes, then transitions into a comic book panel. The page turns. The next page has a large panel featuring a police station. It transitions to live-action.
EXT. POLICE STATION – Afternoon
James, Ryan, and Lex are waiting outside the front steps of the police station. James is looking up and down the street.
I keep thinking that I'll see some guys running
down the street with our stuff.
You realize this isn't home, where we know
every single person because there are, like,
ten of us. This is a real city.
Hey, I lived in Des Moines.
Not really relevant. Try being in a war.
It is relevant, Des Moines has like the
same population as Baghdad.
Ryan gives James a pitying look.
I can't believe neither of you are going to
apologize. My mom is going to be so mad
James opens his mouth to respond, but then Ryan points. Hump and a police officer are exiting the station. Hump has a broad smile on his face. He and the police officer talk for a few more minutes. Hump gives the officer a big handshake and hug. Hump skips down the stairs to his friends.
That looked good. Did they find our bags?
Nope! They don't have time to look, either.
They were really direct about it, a lot more
efficient than our sheriff. I think they
suspected I was mentally ill because
of the costume. Cool guys.
Ryan slaps Hump in the back of the head.
That direct enough for you?
There's no need for violence. If everyone
in San Francisco is as friendly as that
police officer, we'll be fine. We just
have to explain our situation to people,
and I'm sure they'll give us money.
Hump looks around, then heads off for a busy intersection. Lex and James follow, Ryan hangs back.
If everyone in San Francisco is as friendly
as the guy who sold you those waters,
we'll spend the whole day high as a kite
with some guy's hand up our asses.
Reluctantly, Ryan follows.
EXT. Busy Streetcorner, Same Time
Skyrise buildings stretch up further than the eye can see. Many fast-walking pedestrians crowd the walkways. Hump stands in the middle of the sidewalk, with his hat in his hand, talking to a man in a business suit doing his best to ignore Hump. Ryan, James, and Lex lean against the concrete wall behind Hump.
"... so we tried to not lose our bags
but we lost them anyway, and we
The guy passes by Hump, giving him the finger. Hump turns to a lady pedestrian.
"We got stranded and now we need
bus fare back to..."
Get a job, limpdick!
Hump hangs his head and walks over to his friends.
I'd say that went well.
We just... we just need to reach more
A bus pulls up. Hump jumps on.
INT. City Bus – Same time
The seats and aisle are packed with people in business suits. Hump hops on the bus. Facing the bus patrons, he extends his arms.
Good people of San Francisco, I implore
you to look into your hearts and
rediscover the magic of kindness.
A beat passes. James, Ryan, and Lex get on the bus.
I implore to put your fare in this slot, here.
Oh, we're not going on the bus. You see, we're
stranded, and we we're hoping-
You gotta get off the bus, now, find
somewhere else to sleep.
You don't understand, we're-
You're right. I don't understand. You know
what else I don't understand? The other
day I go to the doctor and he tells me
I got Lou Gehrig's disease. How the hell
do I get Lou Gehrig's disease? I don't even
like baseball. I'm a bus driver, I got nothin'
to do with being a pro sports guy and still
I get their diseases. I don't understand that,
so explain it to me.
Hump stares at the bus driver. A beat passes.
Get off the bus!
A chorus of bus patrons jeer Hump. Hump and his friends get off the bus, but not before someone throws a sandwich, hitting hump.
Ah! What is it with the sandwiches?
EXT. Busy Streetcorner- Same time
Hump and his friends exit the bus. The bus doors close.
I guess I'm out of ideas.
The bus pulls away.
Doesn't Lou Gehrig's disease mean
you have, like, muscle spasms and
The group walks down the street. In the background, the bus plows into a parked car.
So... what else can we do for money?
They all scratch their heads. A beat passes. Lex, Hump, and James lift their heads at the same time, wide-eyed.
Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
All three guys speak at once.
Those are awful.
Individually, maybe. But what if we
The group scratches their heads. A beat passes, slowly James speaks.
So, we... street perform... for cans...
outside a gay bar?
That's a great idea!
No, it's not!
That's the stupidest possible idea you
could have possibly had.
Why don't you just call home,
I would, dipshit, except we don't
own a phone, moron. Duh, stupid!
The group gives Lex a quizzical look.
You're so going to end up wearing
your mom's clothes while her
corpse, just like, rots in your room.
Look, you guys can sit around
coming up with dumb ideas
all day, I'm finding a bus station
and stowing away.
But, that's stealing!
Would you shut the hell up about
your stupid rainbow brite bullshit!
Three black cars screech to a stop. From each leaps a group of Korean men in black suits. All of them are wielding Korean long swords. Pedestrians scatter as the gang surrounds the four friends, long swords pointed inches away from their necks. From a car emerges Ken. He strides towards the foursome, tripping a bit on the curb.
This is weird.
You're the guy from the gas station!
That's right. The gas station where you
stole our infiltration plans.
Hump shakes his head, confused. James eyes widen.
Ohhhhhh... this is shy bladder dude, huh?
Yeah, who peed on everything, right.
ENOUGH! Look, this can go real easy. I
can tell you aren't some rival gang.
Unless of course, you are an actual
A beat passes. Hump hangs his head.
No, I'm not.
Just give me the envelope you took from
the restroom. That's all. Then there won't
be any need to cut you.
Oh... Okay, see... We don't have it.
A suited man grabs James by the hair and puts a sword against his neck.
Oh... okay... whoa... okay... wow...
Ryan steps forward, pushing Hump aside.
Who the hell let you talk?
Just put the swords away,
we're not armed.
Look, all our stuff got stolen.
By who? The Yakuza?
Well, actually, it could have been the
Yakuza, we don't really know.
You will get it back from the Yakuza, then.
No, actually, you're right. It wasn't the Yakuza.
Look, I don't care who stole it from you. Get
it back by nightfall or I'm going to hurt you
all really badly.
A beat passes.
No. I'm going to kill you. That sounds more
The suited man throws James to the side. The gang jumps in their cars and speeds away.
You okay, James?
Y'all, San Francisco's kinda odd.
Yeah. I'm getting on a bus and getting
back out of here.
EXT. BUS STATION – Day
The dirty bus station features scores of derelicts sleeping among the litter. A bus pulls up that says "Des Moines." The four friends peer at it from around a corner, then huddle up.
I have a plan.
Hump distracts the driver, then we all
hop on the bus.
I love it.
That's a stupid plan. You're stupid.
Whoa, there, Candyland. What happened
to the mystical force of comraderie, or
You're going to ditch me here and hop
on the bus!
No, that's just the first part of the plan.
After we get on the bus, what happens is...
A long beat passes. James looks at the ground, Hump throws his hands in the air, exasperated.
Screw harmonious friendship, right now.
I want on that bus. I wanna go home.
It's okay, it's okay. The bus driver won't see
your face in that outfit. So if you can jump
on the bus without him seeing, you could
take off your visor and he won't recognize you.
I'll still be wearing a costume.
Just sit in the back and kinda slouch down.
I'm never getting home.
Look, if you're so scared, when you get on
the bus I'll hop on your lap. That way it'll
look like you and I got on together.
Whoa, I don't like this plan.
It's just that, Hump's lap is kinda big. I
don't know if, you know, in those small
bus seats, the two of you together would
What would look more natural- me on
Ryan and James both blush. Hump looks at them, astonished.
Fine! You can squeeze into these tights
that are way too big for you because of
my way-too-expansive lap.
And he's been wearing for days. I'd like
to take this opportunity to point out a fundamental design flaw of the underpants
being on the outside.
The bus driver emerges from the bus. He pulls out a pack of cigarettes.
Ryan turns to the bus driver.
Help! Help! Flasher! This guy just showed
me his penis.
Ryan frantically points to Hump. The bus driver casually lights up a smoke and stares into space.
Help! He's got... my purse... and my
jewelery... and, um... my child!
The bus driver acts as if he didn't hear. Ryan walks over to him and jumps up and down.
Help! Bus Driver! Help!
Look, solve your own problems.
You're not even going to help me?
Lady, I could care less if you got raped.
Ryan is shocked. James furrows his brow.
Get ready to hop on the bus.
Stop saying, "what."
James purposefully strides up to the bus driver. Clumsily, he pulls the cigarettes from the bus drivers pocket and rips the lit cigarette from his mouth. James flicks the lit cigarette into the bus drivers face, and puts the pack of cigarettes in his own pocket. James runs, the bus driver in hot pursuit.
Get on! Go Go.
While James tries to evade the bus driver, the trio sneaks towards the bus. Standing right next to the door, Ryan suddenly swivels to face Lex and Hump.
Lex and Hump stop.
Whoa, what? Can't this wait for the bus?
Ryan pauses, making a tough decision. Lex and Hump grow increasingly agitated. In the background, the bus driver almost catches James, who manages to run behind a bush.
I'm not getting on the bus.
Lex moves to go around Ryan, she blocks his way.
We're not getting on the bus.
Lex and Hump stare at her. A beat passes. In the background, James avoids the bus driver by running in a circle.
Aren't you guys sick of doing what
everyone else tell you to?
But, you just told us what to do.
Ryan lets out an exasperated sigh.
I mean, we came all the way out here
for our dream, our one shot at glory.
Lex, you go home now, you might
never leave your mother's house,
That's what I want.
No. It's not. You want to sell a comic book.
That's why you spent most of your life
obsessing over making that storyline
perfect. That's why you spend two straight
days riding cramped next to this overheated
Hey, what the hell?
Seriously, you've had the same pair of tights on
the whole time. It must smell like a sewage
treatment facility in there.
Shut up. You know, I learned something these last
few days. I learned what it's like to be a nerd.
Don't get me wrong, I like nerdy things, but
when you have boobs you don't get
picked on. Now I see what it's like to be a
nerd. We're always getting picked on: by
bus drivers, by thieves, by Korean gangs.
No, that's really not what being a nerd is.
Particularly the gang warfare.
Shut up. What we do here shapes the entire
future of our lives. Are we going to throw
our only dream in the drain after working
so hard for decades? Just because some
Manga dudes attacked us?
That's not what Manga is.
A beat passes. James runs up to the group and waves his hands desperately. Looking over his shoulder, James' eyes widen and he sprints aboard the bus.
I still say, "yes," but you're impassioned
so keep going.
When we first entered Afghanistan
in 2003, our task seemed
insurmountable. But we didn't
hop on the bus for America, we
dug in and fought. It took us
six long years, but finally
brought down the Taliban.
What the hell did the army
tell you about that war?
They told me we won, decisively,
and that's all I need to know.
Lex hangs his head. With a snap of her arm, Ryan lifts his chin to meet eyes.
Focus, enema drain. Now I for
one am not going to slither
home with my tail between
my legs. I say we go to that
convention, and we show them
the best damn comic book
they ever saw!
Hump and Ryan high-five.
We don't actually have the
comic book, anymore. It was
in Hump's stolen luggage.
You knew that, right?
Hump hangs his head, Ryan's shoulders sag. The bus driver runs on the bus and begins pummeling James.
As well as the passes to
And rice krispies treats.
Not at all relevant.
It's alright. We're smart,
we're nerds, we can figure
They think hard. James continues to get pummeled. Nonchalantly, Ryan reaches through the bus window with one arm and restrains the bus driver. James tries to get away, but the bus driver grabs James' shirt. A beat passes. Lex lights up.
If we call our phones, we
could follow the path of
Then we could see the service
towers it passes through. If
we had access to those towers'
data, we could triangulate
the signal. It's like tracing
the call except we don't need
to know the number, just the
And there's a big TV screen with
a map of the U.S. and when we
call we see a diagram of the
call getting traced! Like C.S.I!
Exactly, except for two problems.
First, I left my huge
call-tracking TV screen in my
other pants. Second, it's
impossible to get information
on cell phone tower data,
from what I learned.
A beat passes. Hump's eyes widen.
I can do it.
My first job outta the
Institute was coding
for cell phone towers.
I can still probably get in
and access the data. I
would need a computer.
We can go to a copy center,
they always have Internet.
But it costs money.
Not if we steal it.
Ryan and Lex both look at Hump, expectantly.
Well, let's go then!
What about James? What if he
doesn't want to do it?
James hasn't yet figured out
that we're going to smush face
for sure. So until then he'll
do whatever I say.
They walk off. James stumbles off the bus and hurries after them.
INT. Copy Center – Afternoon
Copiers stretch across the store floor. A bank of computers sits in the corner, next to the counter. Half a dozen customers are in the store. The four friends walk in.
That was easily the most embarrassing thing I've ever done. I can't believe you put me up to that. I'm never doing anything you tell me to again. In fact-
James' jaw snaps shut.
When did they say they were going to come kill us?
I think it was eight.
No, it was sundown.
Nobody said sundown. What's wrong with you?
No! I specifically remember it because it made me remember that sundown is the time of miracles.
Dude, it was like thirty minutes ago. He said 8.
Turdlings. This is a life-or-death matter and you can't even remember a time.
Why don't you remember it, Princess Bitch?
I can't remember any time unless its stored in my phone's calendar. Which, back on track, is why we're here. How are we gonna use those?
The foursome sits at an empty computer. At the computer next to them is a balding twenty-something on a cell phone.
They need a credit card.
Ryan picks up the credit card box. She turns it over in her hands, thoughtfully. She starts banging it against the counter. James grabs her hands.
Don't do that!
BALDING MAN (shouting into phone)
I typed it in. Now what do I do?
I'm getting kinda nervous. Aren't there free computers at the library?
You need a library card.
Focus. We don't have time to go to a library. It's only a few hours before nightfall.
BALDING GUY (shouting into phone)
Enter? I found it. Now what? Hit it? Enter?
The balding guy presses a key.
BALDING GUY (shouting into phone)
A short beat passes. The foursome turns to stare at Balding Man.
BALDING GUY (louder)
A short beat passes. Ryan exchanges a look with Lex and James. Hump. Ryan stands and moves to the other side of Balding Man.
BALDING GUY (louder)
Nothing happened! Oh wait... Okay, yeah. Now what do I do?
Balding Guy notices Hump staring at him.
See anything gay, cosplay?
Ryan picks up Balding Guy's coffee and dumps the entire contents in his lap. Balding Guy screams in pain.
Ryan grabs a nearby piece of paper and begins blotting Balding Guy's crotch.
Yeah, this won't work. Come on let's go to the bathroom.
Ryan shoves Balding Guy into a nearby restroom. She picks up a chair and slides the leg through the restroom door handle, latching the door. Hump slides into Balding Guy's seat.
So, you can do this?
I left a backend to the cell phone tower systems. I just have to remember how to access it and then we can locate a call.
Hump starts typing rapidly.
My palms are dripping, this is the best part of coding.
A beat passes. Hump continues rapidly typing, a huge smile on his face. James and Lex stand motionless. Lex yawns.
Can you feel that rush? Make the call. Hurry!
We don't have a phone.
James runs to the counter. A cute young salesgirl approaches him.
Can I help you.
Furtively, James scans the area behind the counter. He sees a phone a few feet away, and dives over the counter for it. The clerk jumps back, startled. James picks up the phone and dials seven digits.
Hump starts typing even faster, his fingers blur together. Sweat drips off his shaggy hair. Lex yawns, again.
Okay, its l